“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have.” ~Eckhart Tolle
Days after the initial divorce from my ex-partner, I wanted to meet two very close friends in the city. I knew they would be loving and supportive and that the experience would good for me. But I was so grief stricken and overwhelmed with emotion that even leaving the house felt like a monumental effort.
Sitting on the edge of my bed, picturing all the steps it would take me from where I was now to where they were seemed insurmountable. Normally, I would have jumped in my car and traveled to them with ease. But I wasn’t at home; I was staying with my family and I didn’t have a car.
Being in unfamiliar territory, there was the challenge of working out the public transport timetable (not one of my strongest traits even at the best of times), the fear of breaking down on the bus, and a general air of vulnerability and shame.
Weeping silently, I considered simply staying at home. But the idea of being alone brought a fresh wave of pain. The thought of spending the morning by myself in an empty house was too much to bear.
I was caught between two painful ideas: stay at home alone with my grief or face the anxiety of traveling in a fragile state.